Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I'm Proud to BE!!

Yo, yo, yo!!  Here I am just being me, just minding my own...and I didn't even know that these fabulous people at think that I'm fabulous!  Fabulous enough to write an article about me and 34 other mom bloggers, and then they go and make a button that I can share on my wall. 

Look at me, guys!!  I'm famous!! Almost!! I just hope it's not my 15 minutes, because I'd like my 15 minutes to be a little bit more exciting...hahaha. 

Anyways, tell your friends, tell your family, tell your coworkers!!!  I'm amazing!!!


Ever since we moved to the new house, and in retrospect - a whole lot longer than that, I have been having issues with our wireless Internet.  Dreading a call to my Internet provider, I just dealt with a random connection.  I dealt with only having Internet in my bedroom and not being able to watch t.v. and surf the Internet at the same time.  I dealt with it until one day I just could not stand it anymore and finally broke down.  I set aside a hour or so, found a nice quiet spot and settled in for a long, frustrating call.  Fortunately (?) I wasn't disappointed. 

Over the course of an hour, I was passed on to 5 different people.  I'm pretty sure I was transferred to someone in Texas..."Awww honey, dontcha know the difference 'tween a modem and a router?"  and she laughed at me.  And no, I don't know the difference.  At this very moment, I'm still trying to think what the difference is.  The thing is, it didn't really matter, because that was her job to figure out.  But she transferred me to a very polite woman in India, who although very apologetic also had no idea what the eff I was referring to.  So she passed me on to some guy who's connection was so horrible, I'm sure he was in Antarctica in the middle of a blizzard.  He passed me on to David.  David gave two shits about his job and cared even less about my Internet connection.   So after an hour on my cell phone, coincidentally with the same provider, during prime time someone was telling me it wasn't my modem, it wasn't my router, it wasn't my connection, it was my computer. 

Did I mention that I was pmsing?

After all that time and all those continents, I got so angry I cancelled my Internet.  David was nice enough to let me know that once I cancelled it, I wouldn't be able to get it which I replied, "Isn't that the point?"

I called a new Internet provider, and they sent a technician in to set everything up.  He knew the difference between a modem and a router.  He also knew what the problem was with our previous Internet computer...


So, now I have a new computer.  It's not an Apple.  It's not a pretty pink one.  I just couldn't justify the extra cost for pink.  But I do have a new computer that I can use in my bedroom, in the living the bathroom if I so choose.  All this to say, I better be blogging more often...I have no excuse. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Pants Don't Lie

In two weeks I have split the butt out of two pairs of pants and popped a button of another pair.  Pants don't lie honey.  I'm officially over weight.  Even my Wii Fit groans when I step on it.  It doesn't lie either.  My mother, who loves me to death, can't even stretch (pardon the pun) the truth by saying I'm "big boned" or "the camera adds 10 lbs".

Yesterday I was on my way to work after dropping Q off at the babysitters and I realized that one half of my bottom was feeling much cooler than the other.  Part of me thought I should just ignore it.  What's the worst it could be?  I sat in something wet?  My circulation to my right butt cheek isn't as good as to my left perhaps?  Thank the good Lord that I listened to the little voice in my head that said, "Check your pants, stupid" because I had split a hole from seam to seam right by my right ass cheek. 

See, this wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't the week before sat down on the couch and split a pair of my favourite jeans from H&M in the exact same spot.  And just this weekend I was minding my own business when a button on my jeans just popped right off. 

I think my pants are trying to telling me something.

I just can't help it.  I mean, I don't smoke anymore, I'm not a huge drinker, I don't have a boyfriend.  Food is all I have *SOB*  The thought of going without Nutella breaks my heart and fills me with sadness.  Halloween just passed and we have Tootsie Rolls (Tootsie Rolls!!!) coming out of our ears.  I love Tootsie Rolls.  My employees bring me food.  How can I refuse their gifts?  That would just be rude, wouldn't it?  Plus, my employees say they love me just the way I am.  Granted, I don't want to marry any of my employees so whether they find me attractive or not is really inconsequential isn't it? Sigh.  The main problem I have with losing weight is that I've had so much self control and restraint in soooooo many other areas of my life right now, that food just seems to be the one thing I let myself slide on.

Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.  And J. K. Rowling says "Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me.” Big can be beautiful, right?  Miss Piggy is beautiful in her own way. And she's rich, too.  So....

But the wedding is 3 months away.  It used to be 6 months away but now, it's only 3.  I have 30lbs to lose (still) in 3 bloody months.  That's like 10lbs a month.  That's like 3lbs a week.  That's like near impossible unless I get my butt in gear.  I do not want to steel the scene in all the pictures.  (Well, maybe I do...but not for being the fattest one in the picture.  Maybe for the one with the rockin' hot body...)

I've been joking about dipping cotton balls in water and then eating them.  They absorb more water in your tummy and then you feel full.  Maybe it's not so much funny anymore and more of a valid option... Any ideas for fast weight loss that don't include weird pills, hormones or starving myself?  I'd prefer ones that don't include working out, either...but that might just be asking too much...

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Oh Yes...Now I Remember

Less than a week on Plenty of Fish (or POF) and I am reminded why I loathe Plenty of Fish.  It's a horrible way to meet men.  Horrible.  I've had a handful of emails from men without pics and when I ask, they say they're *new* to POF and haven't had a chance to upload any.  This is a bunch of bullshit, just in case you're wondering.  It doesn't take that long to upload a few pictures.  It is NOT superficial, wanting to know what someone looks like.  That's what separates friends from lovers, isn't it?  A physical attraction to someone.  And don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for drop dead gorgeous, because as far as I'm concerned super hot guys have a whole other set of issues I don't even want to get into.  Not to mention, different people find different qualities attractive...but that's the whole point, at least let's get a look at what you've got to offer and let ME make the decision.  I think blind people even (can you believe I just wrote "look for"...gasp!!!) seek some sort of physical attraction to their mate...whether it be the softness of their skin, or the texture of their hair.  Gah!!  Physical attraction is important, people and don't try to make me feel guilty for admitting to it.

Then there are are the men with the pictures.  You've got the picture with the truck and the really big tires.  You've got the picture with the friend's child (cuz they know women are suckers for that kind of shit).  You've got the picture with the fish...seriously does every guy fish???  You've got the picture with the dog.  You've got the party picture where they're either drunk or hanging off some booby woman.  I like it when they've blacked out the woman's face...dude, you don't have one friend who can take one pic of you without your ex-girlfriend/fling/whatever?  And then you've got the picture they've taken of themselves in the bathroom mirror where they're flexing.  Every man has this picture.  Every single one.  

And does every single guy in the lower mainland like running and rock climbing and skiing?  I'm sure you are wondering.  Well, I will tell you.  Yes.  Every single effing man in the lower mainland likes to climb mountains and ski (or snowboard) down them.  I am not kidding.  Where's the guy who watches movies on the couch in his jammies?  Cuz he's the one I'm looking for.  Where's the one who likes to read and do crossword puzzles? He's not on Plenty of Fish.  Seriously, who knew men were so *active*?

The biggest problem is that the guys I'm interested in are not interested in me ("good luck in your search" they say) and the ones interested in me are just plain creepy.  Like really creepy.  Like shaved head, tattoos everywhere and overweight...and mustaches, now I come to think of it.  What is with the mustaches??  I've actually had one marriage proposal from a really creepy guy.  It was really nasty.  

What's proper etiquette?  If you're super grossed out by some guy should you still send him a reply when he e-mails you?  What if you read his profile and you have nothing in common?  I think it just opens the door for more conversing, but it does feel a little mean just ignoring them.  Especially when they keep on emailing...

I, for one, like the process of writing back and forth.  The written word can just be so powerful and to find someone who can write and be witty and funny and meaningful at the same time is just so rare and exciting to find.  I love the banter.  I love the getting to know someone.  I love "You've Got Mail".  I think it's my favourite chick flick. The anticipation of finding an email filled with words for your eyes only.  It's got to be the sexiest thing ever.  

But I really must go..."Electrician4U" just sent me a message...and he looks...well....normal....

Wish me luck...fingers crossed!!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Single White Female Seeks...

After yet another mildly depressing episode whereby I developed a crush on someone who, of course, was not interested back, I have decided that something has to change.  First, I'd just like to say that this guy really did check most of the boxes on my list.  Tall, funny, single (I know, right?), super nice guy, a manly man.  He didn't have a British accent, might be asking a lot...especially seeing as how I live in Canada, but I'd really like a man with a British accent.  Anyways, for whatever reason (uh...he's crazy?) he's not into me.  He was putting all the signs out there, too, guys...I was so sure he was into me too.  It's probably for the best.  I was upset for an evening, but then I stopped being sad and decided to be happy instead.  I told myself this is not how this has to end.

I've basically resigned myself to the idea that I'm meant to be single for the rest of my life.  The completely irrational side of my brain says that I'm being punished and my punishment is never ever finding a man who will love me.  I'm comfortable too, in my single-ness and it's really very scary to me, the idea of meeting someone and embarking on something new.  It's so outside my comfort zone.  I would really be so happy if it could just be someone who I've known forever and suddenly I love them and they love me.  It just hasn't happened that way.

Meeting someone in the grocery store hasn't happened for me, either.  Nor has the doctor's office or the soccer field or waiting for my son to get out of school on a Friday afternoon.  Starbucks is great for coffee, but I've not met my soul mate while sipping a nonfat pumpkin spice latte.  The man of my dreams has not come up to me while I'm pumping my gas, and I'm beginning to think he most likely won't, either.  My hobbies are solitary hobbies...I like doing sudoku and crossword puzzles, I like reading.  Can you imagine how creepy it would be if some guy starts doing my sudoku puzzle over my shoulder?  Not to mention how annoying it is when you're reading a book and someone keeps interrupting you to "talk".  

Let's face it, if I'm not with Q I'm at work and if I'm not at work, I'm with Q.  This is how my life goes.  I'm not going to all of the sudden take up sky diving or rock climbing just to meet someone.  I don't like to ski, and doing so just to find a mate seems even less appealing.  I'll sit by the fire and drink coffee and read a book in the lodge...but please don't interrupt me while I'm reading....


So, I've joined Plenty of Fish again.  I know, I know...I said I never would.  But I don't know how else to meet someone.  It's like on line shopping, you can check out everything you need before you order it.  I can pick all the qualities I want, and if they have just even one thing I don't like, I can completely veto them without a second thought and without feeling guilty for hurting their feelings.  And men can do the same to me, for that matter.  My brother and his *fiancee* met through a dating site.  Why can't I?  And I'm not paying for it this time, so that's uh....different from last time...

Whether it works or whether it doesn't, at least I'm doing something to change the way the story ends.  I don't have to be single for the rest of my life.  Being single, really, is a choice I've made as a result of my actions.  It's a punishment I've given myself for whatever reason.  Guilt, maybe?  Fear possibly.  If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.  

So I'm super picky, so I'm freaked out of my mind, so it's completely out of my comfort zone, maybe it's a step in the right direction.  And if not, then hopefully it'll be good for the blogging, especially since I've been totally lacking in subject matter lately.  So, I'm not even doing this for me people...I'm doing it for you.  

You're welcome.

Geez...the things I do for your guys...